Finally! Our 1st year anniversary! I've waited for this day for a long time. I'm estatic. Loss for words to describe how I'm feeling now. All I know is that I'm feeling a sense of achievement. He has been the one who is patient with me. Tolerating my mood swings, bad-temperness, wackings, in addition, bittings from me. But he has his fair share of bullying too. I've truly enjoy the moments spent with him. Truly. Dear, I love you.

Listening to Hilary Duff, Fly and Come Clean. Feeling moody now. Blasting the speakers aways. Dear just told me over messenger that he won't be able to spend much time with me. I guess I've been gearing myself for this confirmation for some time. I guess this is what they mean by the loneliness when your boyfriend is in the army. It's the holidays for me now. Took up General Elective, Manage Your Career Development, so as to clear my subjects as fast as possible, and part of the reason is that so I won't feel alone. Yeah I know. I still have friends right? But they have their own lives to lead. Doesn't mean that I'm free, they're free.

I guess no one can understand how I feel unless they've been through it before. It's not that I'm so totally dependent on my boyfriend. It's just that, I only get to see him one day, out of 7 days. To be exact, less than a day if you count the hours. On Saturdays, we usually meet around evening time, around 4 pm, till at night 12am. Then we'll meet on Sundays, around 1-2pm till 4pm. How is that enough? Do the maths and compare it to the ratio of the total number of hours in a week. Is that few hours spent together enough to share about each other's events and incidents that all occured during the whole week? It's not even enough to communicate with each other. Sometimes, I can't even remember what I wanna tell him during my weekdays.

Yes, he does call everynight. But I feel talking over the phone can't bring out the meanings and exact emotions which I wanna express to him. Over the phone, I can only hear his voice, and the frequent 'Chorus' of ccb, knn, kns lyrics spewed out generously from his bunkmates. Call me demanding, a shrew, whatever. But how am I gonna converse with him with so much interferences?

I'm disappointed. In what? Can't point my finger at it. But all I know is that, I'm so used to the disappointment that it doesn't hurt anymore. Who am I kidding myself? Why am I still waiting at home for his call on his night out to ask me out? I confess that I can't wait for school term to reopen. Cause that is when I'll be busy again, I will be burying my head in the books, loneliness will not creep into my life. I'm going to look for a vacation job after the General Elective. I'm gonna work my ass out. It doesn't matter anyway. Afterall, after work, I still go home. It's not like I've appointments to keep to. Why don't I earn more money?

I feel that I'm evolving into another person. I want a fast-paced life. I don't want life to slow down. I don't want to idle, to wait and lie to myself to stuffs that will never happen. I wanna fly...

Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there's nothing left,
And the world's feeling hollow.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

And we're you're down and feel alone,
And want to run away,
Trust yourself and don't give up,
You know you better than anyone else,

Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

Any moment, everything can change.

"Collide"

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

today is a total screw-up, fuck-up, sucky day. I screw up my 1st paper, maths. In a foul mood now. shit! the paper was so damn screw up! so difficult! out of 4 questions, i could only managed to do a countable handful of one palm of question PARTS! fuck man! i'm dead. bloody dead without a mangle of my corpse. maths! my favourite subject! i screw it up! how demoralising can that be?? Cordy told me while the invigilators were collecting the scripts, one of the lecturer spoke to her. "such a difficult paper. how do u find it?" Cordy just gave him her mega-watt winning smile coz she could find words to say for 2 reasons. 1: she doesn't know how to reply, YES IT'S TOTALLY SCREWED! NO! IT'S PATHETICALLY EASY!. 2: simple. the lecturer was cute. Now that's Cordy!
No appetite to have my lunch. Pissed off with my bf. Pissed off with the maths paper. Pissed off with myself for not doing well. Fucking pissed off. Now PISSED OFF AFTER READING!

It sure has been a long time since I last wrote an entry. Hahaha... I've been bitten by a bug, named Laziness. =.='''

Just recovered from fever which lasted for 3 days. Freaks me out man! Always sick before exams. The same thing happened last semester too. I guess, if I don't fall sick before the exams, means I'm gonna fail right? Hahahaha... SUPERSTITIONS! Wakieee girl! Did the fever burn your brains as well?

Terrible feeling. 39.5 degrees celsius. My whole body was burning hot. I bet if somebody cracked an egg on top of me, the egg might be cooked in half an hour?? Hahahaha... I'd to wake up in the middle of the night, ie 12:00 am SHARP to get a basin of water and sponge myself. Didn't wanna wake mommy up. She'd a busy day at work. She's tired you know? My whole body was burning way way way too hot to allow me to sleep. When the wet towel came in contact to my body, BOY! Ever experienced the feeling of being splattered by hot oil before? The only difference is that I'm not talking about a DROP of oil hello!!!

Wasted 3 days of precious time for this stupid fever. Now I've to rush through my revision for my exams. I really need all the DIVINE POWER I can request and attain... Allah, God, Lord Buddha, Confucious... HELP ME!!!!

YEAH!!! Today Dear gonna POP from Sispec. hehehehe... goody! Then he'll have 4 days free!! Woot! He went for 32km march yesterday evening. 5pm left the bunk. Then march throughout the night. Shiong ar... 32km! I still remember I went for the 21km SAF half marathon run. almost killed me. Can u imagine 32km MARCH! poor thing... Could sense that he was very tempted to give up the march from the messages he secretly sent me. He was really really tired. at 20km, he said dunno he can carry on marching anot. Dear's a tough guy. Must be really tired that's why he said that. I couldn't do anything, but just try to stay up as late as i can to reply to his messages. Until I cannot tahan, I slept at 12++ something. But he messaged me saying, he'll march finish for me. so sweet! *^^*v

He returned to camp this morning at 7.15am i think. Then gonna receive ranking after that, after that area cleaning, weapon cleaning, then BOOK OUT!!! I can't wait to see him later. Thinking of wat I should cook for him. He's tired out. After marching for such a long distance. Time to pamper him with my culinary skills! ahahhahaah... *evil laugh*

Gonna meet him later in the evening! From now till then, I shall decide if I shall cook for him! ahhahahaha... Coz I've never cooked for a guy before. See if Dear is a good today lor! =P

Wow! Time sure pass quick! Lunar New Year is here once again. Dunno what to update yet. Correction. I dunno where to start updating. Will update tonight. hehehehe... Procrastinating... =P

A brand new year equals to a brand new start of my phase of life. Year 2004 has been a fruitful year for me. Full of life journeys, miracles, sweat from hard work, and the fruits of labour.

Firstly, who could have imagined that we (Cheah Liang and me) would have ended up together as a couple? Certainly not us! May 30th 2004 was the start of the journey of our lives, intertwined.

Secondly, my application to Nanyang Technological University has been accepted. Wasn't an easy route for me to enter into the tertiary education. Getting a place in the university was just a stepping stone. Next, I'd to face the challenges: adapting to the lifestyle in there, getting the grades, making new friends, etc. The first two months were difficult. I wasn't familiarized with the environment, physically. I felt lost, stranded. To make things worse, Dear was already enlisted in the army. But that didn't deterred us. Distance didn't tear us apart. But tied us tighter than before. Dear did a lot for me. He taught me how to get use to university lifestyle, strategies to study effectively, and most importantly, he helped me to de-stress myself, and not to pressure myself too much.

I'm looking forward to the brand new year 2005! Wanna start a new phase of life with DEAR! =)

Dear's booking out today!! =)
His first bookout from Sispec. I was supposed to go to his house and wait for him to arrive home. But I was too caught up with the spring cleaning of my room, my house. Coz the painters are coming tomorrow to give the house a brand new slosh of paint. Met up with Dear at Outram's East West line station. Went to walk around in Citylink, Suntec City. After that we went to catch a horror film, Shutter, at Marina Square.

I never like horror films, romance shows. I prefer war, action-packed, comedies. Firstly, I don't see the logic in paying $8.50 per ticket to scare my guts out. Secondly, I'm not gonna pay $8.50 to watch the film in between my fingers. Thirdly, I'm not gonna pay $8.50 to have a nightmare. Therefore, it's really a rare occasion that I'm willing to watch a horror film.

There are conditions to watch horror films though. Firstly, my boyfriend has to be with me. I DON'T WATCH HORROR FILMS WITH FRIENDS ALONE. Well, except for girlfriends though. hahahahaha... Coz I'll freak myself out and grab anyone next to me. So my boyfriend must accompany me, if not I won't watch it. Secondly, I don't watch horror film later than 10pm. hahahahaha... Coz it's CLOSE TO MIDNIGHT!! I'm a pathetic freak in horror films. But you'll see a different me when I watch war movies. I'll be going, 'Why don't they blow him up in pieces?' stuff like that.

Well, back to the movie, Shutter. I decide to catch the movie after Ling, Huiyi and other peeps keep talking about it and recommend me to watch it. Well, since Dear and I have yet to catch a movie together since God knows when, why not? But I was half-hearted. Both of us wanted to watch Ocean's Twelve initially. But the screening time was late, so we have to settle for Shutter.

In less than 15 mins when the movie started, I was already whispering to Dear, 'Can we leave now?' hahahahahaha... =.='''
Throughout the movie, I think I was the only frequent one screaming and covering my eyes and ears. hahahahahaha... very dramatic.
I remember there was one scene, where the director purposely hiked up the atmosphere. Then when the climax came, I screamed like nobody's business. And DEAR SCREAMED ALSO! hahahahahahaha!!!! that Big Fat Pig also know how it feels to be scared! hahahahhaha....

After the movie, we headed back to my house. Then he tucked me in bed. Coz he knows I don't dare to sleep until I feel it's safe. When will I watch the next horror film? Probably at least for the next 6 months, I will not challenge myself to a horror film. I shall stick to my preferred genre of movies... hahahahaha... Dear also SCREAMED LIKE A SQUEALING PIG! SNORT! SNORT!

Alrighty! The exam results are out! 4Bs, 1C, 1D. Maths, Physics, Lab, Life Science are all grades B. Religion and Social Life graded C, and lastly, Material Science graded D. Though Dear said I've done well, I'm a bit disappointed that I didn't get A for Maths... Never mind. No use crying over split milk. I'll aim for A next semester. Not just for Maths only. But for Physics! Coz next semester, I'll be studying Electricity, Magnetism, Waves, Superposition! hahahahaha... My favourites! Ya ya... NERD! WHAT TO DO RIGHT?!?!?!?

I'm so shagged. Came back from chalet today. Quite fun. 1st time staying overnight. Well, not exactly 1st time. Stayed overnight when I was still attending the provisional JC period, but at that time, there's a teacher, only to backed out at the last minute. Didn't sleep much. I think less than an hour. COZ DEAR'S SNORES ARE THUNDEROUS! hahahaha... not that I blame him. He's got a cold. I just hoped that his snores didn't disturb his friends. Didn't sleep at all when he's awake. Afraid that his temperature will rise, afraid that he'll be cold, afraid that he'll kick the blanker while sleeping. But overall, it's a memorable day worth keeping in memory. I get to stay overnight with DEAR! =)

It's over. Everything's over. I give up. I don't want anyone, anything else.

Pissed off now. So god-damn angry now. Why can't she listen to me? WHY? WHY? WHY? What difference does it make by staying overnight just 1 more day? I can't tolerate my mom anymore. I've given her enough respect by not walking out of the house and go ahead with my plans. I've informed her about the chalet, ASKED her PERMISSION! HELLO!!! She should be glad that her daughter is tolerating her screamings, naggings, and biasness against me. I've not taken drugs, not gotten into any crimes or whatsoever. Why doesn't she trust me at all!? Haven't I showned her I'm quite a responsible girl? I give her a call when I'm home late, ask her permission for outings *how many daughters at my age still does that?*

I'm cracking... at the verge of cracking. Never seen a university student asking her mom for permission for outing? Permission on starting a relationship? Permission for almost everything? MEET ME! I'M PROUD TO BE ONE. I've already know how's my future like. Even though I'm 30 years old, I'll still be asking my aged mom for permission for everything, and maybe I'll still be single, a spinster. Ling! You've got company for spinsterhood.

Damn it! I hate my life! She doesn't even treat me like an adult! The apple of her eye will always be my brother. GIMME A BREAK! GIMME MY LIFE! If you gave birth to me just because you wish to control my life, my everything, I rather not live. Thank you very much for EVERYTHING!

05 December 2004, 1909 hours

JOHOR BAHARU, Malaysia : A Singaporean woman died after she lost control of her high-powered motorcycle and crashed into the metal divider at KM23.1 of the Second Link on Saturday night.

Johor Baharu (North) Traffic Police head Chief Inspector Bakri Zainal Abidin said Linda Wee, in her 20s, who worked at a factory in the republic, died on the way to the Kulai Hospital, Bernama news agency reported.

Wee, from Bukit Merah in Singapore, was riding her motorcycle towards Kulai to meet her boyfriend when the accident occurred.

She fell after hitting the divider and was dragged about 200m by the motorcycle, he told Bernama. She sustained serious body injuries and broke her right arm in the 11.30pm accident.

Chief Inspector Bakri said the victim's family had claimed her body. - CNA

If the person wasn't Linda, wasn't my friend, I would have just flipped the news as it didn't strike me at all. Such a short report, yet evoking so much of emotions. To the editor, it seems just ordinary road accident. To ordinary readers, seems just another news. But to family, relatives and friends of Linda, it's heart-wrecking news, with emotions running high...

Went to Linda's wake last night. Many people turned up. Jevon, Clarissa, Ling, Liting, Liya, Stella, Chee Sing, Meilian, Ernest, and much more. Even our teachers, Justin Tay and Grace Tan turned up. Jeffrey Tan didn't, coz he's too shocked and doesn't want to attend. So did Huijing. I understand. Coz I didn't feel like attending in the first place. But I refused to believe Linda's gone until I see her body. Call me stubborn whatever. Grace was crying when she arrived at the wake. Everyone was at the verge of crying. But Linda's a strong girl. She'll never allow us to cry for her. Ling said that at least she went away with her bike at her side. I agree. The bike's her baby. She loved her bike very much. If she's given a second chance, no doubt she'll choose this path again.

Couldn't sleep well last night. Woke up twice in the night, suddenly thought of her. Cried for my lost friend. Didn't expect to catch up with the rest at her wake. I miss her...

What is the world becoming to? I'm already in a lousy mood. I still can't believe Linda's gone. I'm trying hard to hold back the tears. And here's my mom, screaming at me. I mean literally screaming. Gimme a break. I'm mourning for my dear lost friend in my heart. Quit hitting hard at me! The same stuff, that I never do any housework, just sit around at home, not finding a job during the holidays, only know how to enjoy life and stretch out my hands to ask money from them. I'm sick of my life. Nothing I do seems to satisfy my mom. NOTHING! I dunno what to do anymore. Just finished packing some stuff of secondary school. Mom was practically screaming her head off me. I really feel like slapping her shitless. I know that's wrong. That's why I held back my temper, held back my tongue. I just wish I can move out, live my own life. I'm wondering, if I ever become a parent myself, I'll never put my child down. I'll never imply meanings that he's worthless, nor he's incapable, nor will I comment that he's not smart nor intelligent like what I'm subjected to by my mom. I remember when I finished my A-levels, awaiting for my results, one can always hear her rentless comments about me not being able to make it to the university. To her, my elder brother is the apple of her eye. The desktop was paid by my dad. While I'd to slog my F***king ass out to buy myself a celviano. Not only was money the factor, I'd to persuade them to allow me to buy the piano! Freedom? Sorry. I've no idea what's that.

Gracie commented that she's suprised that I've not rebelled. How can I? I don't see the use of rebellion. For once, I've no idea how to express my frustrations. I dun wish for tomorrow to arrive. If tomorrow arrives, means I'll be attending Linda's wake, which in turn means that I'm forced to believe that she's gone. Life's unfair! Linda shouldn't be lying in the coffin now. She should be out there enjoying her weekend, should be out there enjoying her youth. WHY!? SOMEONE TELL ME WHY!? WHY MY FRIEND? WHY ME?! FUCK! TELL ME!

I was wrong about today. I counted my chicks too early. Received a call from Ling immediately after submitted the earlier entry. Shocking news awaits me. Linda passed away in a bike accident last night. I didn't know how to react to the news. Blank was the word my mind registered the moment Ling announced the news to me. I can't believed my friend, my classmate for 2 years, passed away. She's only 20! The last time I saw her was in Millenium Walk. She was waiting for her friend. We chatted awhile, exchanged promises to keep in contact, with that, I cautioned her to be careful when riding her baby, aka her bike. Now, about an hour after I woke up, Ling called me to inform me about the passing of Linda.

Dear Linda,

You're a great girl to begin with, an astounding woman in the near future. We were schoolmates in secondary school. You were in the class next to mine, and in the next two preceeding years, we're in the same class. We joined the same curriculum, badminton and quitted at the same time. That was in the lower secondary. Though we're not very close. But we've our special moments together too. Secrets were shared, gossips were exchanged. During that two years, Linda was an excellent friend. Helping, reaching out to everyone who has problems. You sat next to Ling during our graduating year, 4/6. Both you and Ling were sitted in the 3rd row, 2nd row from the entrance. Joan and I were sitted in front of both of you. The four of us have so much to talk about. I remember you always fall asleep during Chinese class, same time with me. And our Chinese teacher, Mr Chen Tat Kwang, will always hook his eyes on us, to catch us sleeping, until he gave up hope nabbing us.

We bumped into each other in Millenium Walk 7-8 months ago. You were waiting for your friend. We chatted for awhile, after that, exchanged promises to keep in contact. But alas! I forgot to ask for your mobile. However, I was not to be disappointed. I searched for you in friendster. I wanted to add you, but I couldn't do so for I'd too many pending friend invites. Now I regret thoroughly for not adding you. You've changed so much my dear friend. A budding girl, with exceptional potential to excel in every walk of life. Strong will be the best adjective to describe you. You're a strong, independent girl, never backing down to life's obstacles. To that, and our 8 years of friendship, I admire you deeply. I know you've difficulties but you never ask for help, nor allow them to drag beaming face into a frown. Dear friend, I hope you'll find happiness now, for life was hard on your previous life.

Yours truly and forever,
Sandra

Well, let's see, I'm still groggy from sleep. Slept late last night, this morning again. About 2am. woke up at 11am. thanks a million to daddy who is so persistent in waking people up, especially me. -____- Guess there's nothing much to update about today, since I'm not going anywhere. Probably will drag Mr Ho Cheah Liang for a swim with me. haha! A PIG THAT CAN SWIM PRETTY WELL! Have you guys seen anything as miraculous as that! WOW! *applause*

To be continued...

Dear's gonna be passing out today! FINALLY! The HOLY DAY! hahahahaha... Coz after today, he'll be having a week of block leave. then he can accompany me to go swimming, go Pulau Ubin et cetra. =)

Gonna meet Dear's mom at Pasir Ris mrt control station at 1.30pm. Then we'll take the chartered bus to the ferry station, and will board the ferry and head for tekong. Feeling sleepy now. Slept late last night. Er, actually is this morning at 2am. heez.. Was busy doing the cross-stitch thingy. Hope to finish it asap.

But as I'm updating the blog now, my mood is spoilt by my very 'GOOD' brother of mine, who has often thrashed vulgurities on me. He's crazy man. I just told him on msn when I saw him online, that he didn't close the contact lens solution cap properly. And you know what was his reply? 'Fuck off lar!' This type of brother also have. So much of his 'I love my family' statement. All crap.